Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Tilley Till

I have a new niece, Rayna Cathryn Stecklein, who is also soon to be my Goddaughter! Little Rayna (although 9lbs+change is not exactly little) has started me thinking a lot about names. At the same time, I've become aware that Tilly, while not a popular name per say, is not unheard of in the UK. So my new mission here in England is to find a Tilly and make her my betrothed.

I imagine Tilly Till describing the day she converted her name to ridiculousness as "The greatest in her life."

Monday, October 29, 2007

Quote Me if You Can

I've had the last week off and I spent it hanging out with my Uncle. I've got a few stories to tell, but until then here are some quoteable moments from the last few weeks.

"You say you have problems, but she's the one who's Nigerian."
~6th Form Student

"Brandon, that teacher was checking you out . . . and she's kinky."

"Hey I know you. You just kicked us out of your bar."
~Uncle Randy

"I admire George W. Bush."
"Because he is not very smart, but he's still made it a really long way."
~6th Form Student

"This weekend I will be doing Sweet Fanny Adams."
"I have no idea what that means."
"Sweet Fanny Adams? It means Sweet F.A."
"I have no idea what that means."
"Sweet Fuck All."
"Will you just tell me what you're doing this weekend?"
"I'm doing nothing. I have no plans."

"Whatever you do, don't say you are wearing khaki pants in England."
"Khaki means poop and pants mean underwear."
~Jeff Bazarko

(While trying on hats)
"Would you like to buy a flag?"
~Belgian salesman with a strange sense of what items people are actually interested in.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Golden Compass

This isn't a bad deamon for me, but it could be better. Take a minute to click the link and help me out.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

No Taxation without Representation!!!

I bought a flight to Barcelona so I can spend Thanksgiving with my friend Mike and his family. Because European airlines seem awesome, the flight cost £0.01 each way (about $0.02 round trip). Now the total cost of this flight was not £0.02. After taxes and whatnot, I paid £23.90 or 1195% of my purchase price. 1195 is not a number that should exist in percents. Technically, nothing above %100 should exist, especially in reference to taxes.

Until now, I'm not sure I understood the reasoning behind the American Revolution. It seemed to me that colonials had a powerful government protecting them, setting up roads, post offices, swimming pools, etc. and everyone got pissed off over a tea tax. Now that I know the tea was probably taxed 1195% I don't blame starting a war over it. On my trip to Barcelona, I think I'll take a note from my forefathers, dress up like a Native American, and throw the airplane into the sea. Overall, not a bad way to spend Thanksgiving.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Caffeine Clean

So this morning, like every morning, I'm dead tired when I wake up. But unlike every morning, this morning I decided to take a shower, and I had an idea that might make me millions. I want to invent caffinated soap. In the morning you could absorb caffeine with every pore of your body before you even have your cuppa. Brilliant.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

"Hi, my name is Brandon, and I am from the future."

When it comes to the entertainment industry, the UK is like the kid brother of the US. Everything here is hand-me-down. Movies come to theaters six months after the US release date, and American TV shows come out nearly a year after the US is finished with them. This makes me feel like I am from the future.

I always assumed that being from the future would be a huge advantage. I could find my past-self and warn me away from heartbreak, traffic accidents, and Aero bars, or I could clue me in on some sports betting (although you don't have to be from the future to know it's not a good idea to bet on the Irish in 2007, that the Gophers will always find a heartbreaking way to blow it, and that England will always beat Estonia in soccer). I thought that when I found a way to open portals to the past, then I could use Back to the Future as my hilarious guide on how to handle sticky time travel situations, and in my most advanced fantasies, I would end up as some type of clairvoyant demigod.

But now that I am from the future - I regret to inform you - it's rather disappointing. The other day some friends were excited that I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is opening in theaters, and I already know it's a crappy movie. Some kids were talking about High School Musical, to which I mention a dance from High School Musical 2, but they don't want to talk about it because it's not out yet (I realize that this was actually a winning situation for me).

This is the brutal but true side of being from the future that Doc Brown failed to mention. Having knowledge of things that have not yet happened makes you an outcast. No one likes the guy who can ruin the ending of a story, or tell you the final score of a sports game you haven't seen yet, or warn you against disappointing foreign candy. I'm from the future and nobody likes be because of it.

I suppose I should change plans and use Back to the Future II as my time travel guide, but the UK is still awaiting its release.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I'm bringing sexy back . . . for now.

My friend Rafi, our Polish chef who changes his hairstyle weekly and worships Britney Spears, sent me some songs on my new cell phone so now I have "Sexy Back" as my ring tone.

Inevitably, this will be a decision I regret.

When, exactly, I forget to put my phone on silent and why I'll end up regretting this decision is thus far unknown. But until then, help me bring sexy back. Call me for free from the US : 952-232-0649.

(And if you are the person who called me at 5:45ish and/or 6:30ish today, sorry I missed your call. I just set up my voice mail so call again and leave me a message.)

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Karma of 1000 Dead Rabbits

So the other day Terry, the rabbit slayer, (see my old post about rabbits if you don't know what I mean) cut off the end of his thumb with the paper cutter. Apparently he decided the saftey was an optional feature and took it off for his paper cutting needs. He was rushed to the hospital, had his thumb glued back on, and is left with the inconvience of a sore thumb, but is fine all things considered. I suppose that's easy for me to say because I didn't cut off my thumb.

I mention this for two reasons. First, Terry just came into my office to show me how to make origami houses and in doing so cautioned me in using the paper cutter. And second, I imagine all those dead, blind rabbits that parished (mercifully) at the end of Terry's shovel, and all I can think is that Karma's a bitch.

Monday, October 8, 2007

The Cock

I went to the town of St. Albans this evening, and I went to a pub called "The Cock."

Ok, seriously?
I mean - seriously!

Sunday, October 7, 2007

I Look to My Eskimo Friend

Tonight I went to see Damien Rice live at Wembly Arena, and it was fantastic. Don't get me wrong, it was a bitter, depressing, and angry show, but I loved every minute of it. The beer vendors at the arena walked around with an insulated keg strapped to their backs and sold cups of keg beer to people in the stands. This seems like a lot of work, but whatever.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

The Top Two of My Day

Today a group of East enders came to SPEC, and on the groups break time I wandered around and found dance off going on between the African students and the Caribean students (the African students won btw). That was probably the second best thing to happen to me today. The best was seeing this commercial: